MOTHER FUDGING PIE
by CandleHeadButt
Summary: One Shot- What happens when characters OTHER than Felix get their hands on Turbo Pies? BAD THINGS.
1. Chapter 1

Litwak's Arcade- 1986

"Quitin' time!" rang the voice of a familiar repair man, the small troupe of Nicelanders following him back inside the apartment. Down below, a large man remained face down in the mud, letting out a huge sigh as a few bubbles made their way up to the surface.

"THANK. PROGRAMMERS." He growled, picking himself up and wiping off the muck.

What a day; it seemed like the kid were really coming in this week but why wouldn't they? It was the middle of summer and they didn't have anything better to do. What other way would you spend a hot July day than wasting time in an air conditioned arcade?

"Hey Ralph!" called a voice "Wanna join me at Tapper's?"

The wrecker glared down at the tiny repair man in blue, not having the heart to really talk to him.

"N-Nah, you go on ahead…" he mumbled, walking off to his brick pile "I just wanna…I wanna make sure all my bricks are in place ya know? Wouldn't wanna misplace any!"

"Now, RALPH!" Felix said in a rather harsh tone, his hands on his hips "We've been working hard all week. Can't ya just join me for ONCE?"

Ralph turned back at Felix, his mood still sour until he saw the look on the repairman's face; he looked honest enough and a rootbeer DID down rather tasty, especially considering how hot it was in the game. The big man rubbed the back of his neck, feeling a tad embarrassed but once he realized he had nothing better to do, he decide to take Felix up on his offer.

"Weeeell….Hmmmm…Alright!"

"GREAT!" Felix said happily, hopping in the air "C'mon! I heard Tap is tryin' a new cherry brew an' I wanna get there before it runs out!"

"Heh, sounds good!" the wrecker said as he joined Felix on the trolley, both leaving the game but unbeknownst to them, someone was watching them from afar.

"Urgh, he's GONE!" groaned a small man in a blue cardigan, swirling the martini he had in his hands.

"Goodness, Mayor. I don't know why you put so much effort into watching over Ralph like that!" said a small woman in pink, cleaning up the remaining pie in her kitchen. The man snorted a bit before taking a sip of his drink.

"You mean it doesn't bother you that Felix would rather spend his time with that BAD GUY than US, Ms. Mary?"

Mary blushed a bit; she had to admit that the mayor was right. She was a little concerned about Felix's wellbeing whenever he was with Ralph, especially considering how strong and clumsy he was. There had been many times when Ralph had wrecked so many of her things and on a few occasions, accidentally killed a neighbor or two.

Thank goodness for respawning!

There was no escaping it; Mary was TERRIFIED of Ralph but she knew she wasn't the only one. Despite her fear, she tried her best to keep it hidden, as not to make Ralph even angrier. The woman let out a sigh as she put one of the left over Turbo Pies in the fridge, saving it for the next game.

"Listen, sir…" the woman said as she approached the mayor "While I do appreciate your concern over us, maybe….maybe we should take it down a notch, don't you think?"

"Really, Ms. Mary?" the mayor snapped, a look on his face that seemed to show that he couldn't believe she was serious "Do you know how many times I RESPAWN thanks to that guy?!"

Mary rolled her eyes, "You've told me time and time again dear and I believe you! It's just…"

"It's just that I don't trust him!" the mayor spat out, getting to his feet "I mean-! URGH! Of all the luck, we had to get one of the WORST bad guys in the arcade! I mean, all the other bad guys AREN'T bad to their NPCS! But Ralph-!"

The mayor felt a bit of a headache coming on, rubbing his temples. He had been through another miserable day and his anger was only making it worse.

"You get the point…."

"Yes, I guess I do, GENE." Mary said, moving a bit too close to the Mayor, the man blushing brightly.

"M-M-Ms. Mary!"

"Hmmm…" the woman said, noticing all the pie in her kitchen "I guess I went a bit overboard."

"Huh?" Gene said, looking about seeing that she was indeed right. He rubbed his chin as he looked at the mass of pies "Well, if it makes you feel any better…I guess I did too!"

"Really?" Mary said, arching an eyebrow "How many Turbo Pies did you make?"

"Enough to last me until the end of the week!"

"Goodness….and with all this pie, I guess I won't have to worry about baking tonight!" the woman sighed as she looked around "What a shame. I really wanted to try a new recipe out!"

"Did I hear someone say they made too much pie?" chimed in a voice from the door, a red-headed Nicelander poking his head in. Gene grumbled as he looked at the other man.

"You know NORWOOD, proper gentlemen KNOCK before they enter a lady's apartment!"

Norwood snickered, placing two of his pies on the counter "Sorry, DAD but I'm just glad I'm not the only one who made too much pie tonight!"

"You too?" piped in another voice, this time from a small Nicelander in a magenta dress and hat "Oh! Lucky me then!"

"You're not the only one…." Followed another Nicelander, the man dressed in a sailor suit.

Gene was rather stunned; everyone had made too much pie and with the collective bunch, they could last SEVERAL weeks if kept in proper storage.

"W-wow…." The mayor said as he looked at all the pies "I've never seen so much pie at once!"

"Don't get TOO hungry, DEAR!" Mary giggled, missing the pout on Gene's face.

"I'M not that hun-I mean, what are we going to do with all this pie?"

"Save it, of course…" said Deanna, crossing her arms "I mean, unless you had other plans…."

Gene looked down at the pie, the sweet aroma and texture tempting him too much. He felt his stomach growl; darn it, why did he have to be so hungry all the time and why did PIE have to look SO good?

But these weren't just any pies! There were TURBO PIES, pies that only Felix could consume or at least, that's what everyone had heard. According to the rules of the game, the pies that the Nicelanders made during the game enabled Felix to move faster, fix better and make him an even better hero than he already was!

And it was all because of pie.

Of course, with these powers came something special in the filling and since day one of being plugged in, none of the Nicelanders had even dared EAT a Turbo Pie, saving their own pie cravings for the pies they made off hours, without the special ingredient that went into Felix's pies.

But the question remained WHY? Again, the rules stated that Felix got his powers from Turbo Pies but at the same time, there was nothing saying that no one ELSE could eat them. Even RALPH could eat a Turbo Pie if he wanted to but even he never touched one.

Gene looked down at the pie. As mayor of the little people, he knew it was his duty to remind them to follow the rules but at the same time, he began to wonder if it mattered if this RULE was broken, especially since there really was no rule.

No, he couldn't let the Nicelander eat a Turbo Pie! That would be IRRESPONSIBLE of him!

But they looked so tasty.

A good Mayor wouldn't let his citizens partake in anything that could be potentially dangerous!

But they smelled so good.

Who knew what could happen if they ate too much! They could wind up sick!

But….PIE.

PIE.

PIE!

"Er, you know what?" Gene smiled "Why don't we all take a break and have some pie?"

The Nicelanders gasped as they looked at Gene.

"Are you NUTS?!" said Roy, the man starting to sweat already "You know we can't eat Turbo Pie!"

"And why not?" Gene said in a haughty tone as he picked on of the pies up "There's nothing in the rules that SPECIFICALLY states that we can't! All we know is that Felix eats them and we've never taken a bite, EVER!"

"But you've seen what those things do to Felix!" said Don, walking over to Gene and taking the pie from him "Just imagine what it'll do to us!"

"You mean to tell me that glowing RAINBOW colors FRIGHTENS you?" the mayor retorted, looking up at the sailor.

"Er, no. What I mean is-!"

Gene swiped the pie and placed it back on the counter "Come on guys! You know we have more than enough of these things to go around so why waste them? And besides…..A little taste won't hurt!"

The others looked at each for a moment or two, not sure what to think.

"Weeeell….." Tony said, rubbing the back of his head "They DO look good….and I did make brambleberry if anyone is interested!"

"They heck is BRAMBLEBERRY?" asked Lucy, leaning over towards Nel.

"Just a mixture of all the berries, sweetie…" the fluffy Nicelander replied.

"Ms. Mary, what do you think?" the mayor looked over towards the pastry chef, the woman blushing a bit.

"D-Dear, I just…."

"Come on! Live a little! And since you baked some, I know they're ESPECIALLY good!" Gene said with a smile, only making Mary feel even more embarrassed.

"W-why, thank you Mr. Mayor but-!"

"I'll get the coffee and tea!" rang Meg's voice.

"I'll get the stemwear!" said Pearl.

"Hey, if you see Peach, save me a slice!" said Blake.

The Nicelanders then went outside with their collection of pies, a wonderful assortment arranged on a picnic table. Gene watched proudly as his friends set up the display, the wonderful aroma of pie, tea, and coffee filling the air.

"Ah, bliss…" he said to himself as he ran his fingers through his hair.

"Mayor Gene, are you ready?" Mary asked, the man jumping back a bit as he blushed.

"O-oh! Y-yes, I'm ready dear!"

"Good!" Mary smiled as she took hold of Gene's hand and pulled him over to the table "I know you love blueberry so here's a nice slice for you!"

Before the mayor could even interject, Mary shoved a large forkful of pie in the man's mouth, the mayor savoring EVERY little bite of the pie.

He couldn't deny it; this was the BEST pie he had ever eaten in his life. As soon as it entered his mouth, a blueberry EXPLOSION of flavor filled ever sense in him and it was if he had been catapulted into pie heaven! Of course, having such a big appetite anyway, Gene was used to putting food in his mouth most of the time, but this?

This was something he had never experienced before!

Was it just because it was his favorite pie or because Mary had baked it?

No, there was something else to it!

The mayor felt a sudden buzz in the back of his head and for a second, a spark of energy hit him. For some reason, he felt energetic, powerful, UNSTOPPABLE!

And HUNGRY!

Without another word, Gene YANKED the pie from Mary's hands and dug into the rest of it, eating the entire pie pan clean in three huge forkfuls much to the surprise of the Nicelander beside him.

"Goodness, Mayor Gene!" Mary said, a little surprised that Gene would just INHALE pie like that "Slow down before you give yourself a stomach ache!"

Too late; Gene ran to the table and grabbed another blueberry pie, eating it just as fast as the other.

"Does anyone else know where the rest of the blueberry pie is?!" the man yelled sharply, much unlike him.

"Er, dear?" Mary asked, a little too nervous to approach Gene.

"H-h-h-hey!" jittered Lucy, a huge smile on her face "TH-th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-b-b-brambleberry isn't to-to-to-to-too bad!"

"IT LIKE YA GLAD!" Tony cackled, his eyes spinning out of control "LIKE YA IF MORE SOME HAVE!"

"TH-TH-TH-THANK YOU!" giggled Lucy, shoving an entire pie in her mouth and swallowing it whole!

Mary backed away as she suddenly felt a tad scared; something strange was happening and she didn't like it "Um, guys? Are you alright?"

Nel licked the pie tin of her apple pie clean, crawling onto the table and reaching for another one, "MINEMINEMINEMINEMINE!" the woman chittered, burying her face in another pie.

"PRUNELLA!" Mary shouted, a hand to her mouth in shock. Nel was NEVER this rude but there she was, crawling along the table like some sort of child as she shoved pie into her mouth, none stop!

"MY BEAUTIFUL QUEEN OF FLUFF! EAT ALL YA WANT!" Shouted Norwood as he took a pie and SLAMMED it into Nel's face.

"Omnomnom-MMMMMM!" the woman yelled with an unhinged smile, leaping on Norwood and hugging him tight "Oh CAT MAN! FEED ME MORE PIE!"

Yup! Something was up and Mary knew she had to stop it before it got too out of hand!

"Gene! GENE! Something's wrong with the-!"

Mary turned just in time to see Gene sitting on back as he shoved MORE pie into his mouth, the remains of FIFTEEN pie tins around him and he wasn't stopping, even when it appeared that his belt was losing its battle against all the treats he had eaten!

"*BWARP!* I NEED PIE TO FUEL MY TALKING MUSTACHE!" Gene roared at the top of his lungs, looking even more crazed than the others.

It was at this moment that Mary realized that the Nicelanders had made a GRAVE mistake in eating the Turbo Pies and there was a reason why Felix was the only one who could eat them. The woman backed away a bit, watching her friends slowly go mad with pie as the continued to consume the lot.

"O-Oh dear! Maybe I should get Fe-!"

"HEY MARY!" Don shouted, remints of cherry pie all over his face and suit, his eyes down to pinpoints "DIDITELLYOUTHETIMEIWENTFISHINGANDTHENTHISHUGESHAR KCAMEUPANDBITMYBUTTANDITHURTSOBADTHATIJUSTDIDNTKNO WWHATTODOBUTIBEATTHATTHINGWITHAAPADDLEBECAUSE NO ONE MESSES WITH MOTHER FUDGIN' NICELANDER DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOON!" the man roared as loudly as he could, suddenly running over to a tree and PULLING it out of the ground from its roots!

Mary shrieked as she fell to the ground, only to hear a massive BEAR SCREAM from the table. She looked over to the side, seeing Norwood producing the sound.

"I AM THE LUCK OF THE IRISH! TASTE MY CHEST HAIR FLUFFIN' NUTTERS!" and with that, Norwood RIPPED off his shirt and his vest, exposing his fiery red chest hair but he didn't stop there! The freckled Nicelander then THREW himself through the window, only to run ALL the way up to the top floor and DIVE OFF with a scream, landing face first on the concrete with a horrid thud!

"NORY!" shrieked Mary!

The Nicelander's lifeless body blinked for a second before respawning a second later but Norwood was even more hyped up than ever, the man snarling and his hair all over the place!

"WHERE'S THAT FUDGIN' PIE!?"

By now, EVERYONE in Niceland was going insane! Lucy was chasing imaginary ducks, Nel was rollin around on the ground and screaming as if she were on fire, Tony was spinning through the air, and Gene…..

Gene was still on the table shoving pies in his mouth!

Mary ran over to the mayor, trying with all her might to pull him away from the pies "Mayor Gene! MAYOR GENE! STOP!"

Gene turned towards Mary, his neck cracking as he did so "I CAN'T STOP! I REQUIRE PIE OR I'LL DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIE!"

Gene then leapt up and dive bombed through the table, only to get up and scream at the top of his lungs before busting through the front entrance of Niceland!

"I AM THE KING OF THIS FLUFFIN' CASTLE! KISS MY BUTT! OBEY MY STACHE!"

To say that Mary was horrified would be the understatement of the decade. She was TRAPPED in a game and watching helplessly as her neighbors went insane! She had to escape, but to where? From the looks of things, the Turbo Pies had not only made everyone go NUTS, but it had made them stronger as well, as evident as the tiny Nel was now busting her head through the brick wall of the apartment building, a few bricks getting stuck in her fluffy afro.

"DING DONG MOTHER FLUBBERS!" the woman cackled, her eyes looking off in different directions!

And SUCH language too! Mary was aware that the Nicelanders were all adults but even at their worst they would never say such things!

"O-OH! GUYS! STOP! THIS IS NOT LIKE US! WE-!"

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey Maaaaaaaaaaaary…." Droned an evil sounding voice from behind the woman. Mary's blood ran cold as she felt the clammy touch of a gloved hand on her shoulder. As she turned, she saw none other than Deanna looking at her, a sick smile on her face and a pie in her hand.

"I got strawbeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeery…." The woman hissed, the pie working on her as well "Your favoriiiiiiiiiiiite!"

Mary tried to escape but Deanna's hold was just too strong! She let out a scream as she fell on her bottom, her little legs kicking.

"Dee-Dee! STOP THIS! THIS ISN'T LIKE MMMPH-!"

Before another word could be said, Mary felt an ENTIRE PIE enter her mouth, unable to stop her own reflexes to prevent her from SWALLOWING it!

* * *

As the hours of the night ticked away, a wrecker and a repairman made their way back home, completely unaware of the surprise that lay in store for them.

"Ah, that cherry rootbeer really hit the spot!" Felix said, stretching his arms.

"Meh, it was okay…" Ralph chuckled "But that vanilla? Mmm, MMM! That was good!"

"What if they mix tha two! That would really-!"

BOOM!

Ralph flinched as he felt the tremor "What was that?!"

"Oh GOODNESS!" cried Felix as he looked towards the oncoming light of the game "What if someone's vandalize the game!"

"WHAT!?" roared Ralph, balling his fist "Anyone try ta do that, they got another thing c-!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Before Ralph could even attempt to get out of the trolley car, something shot out towards him…and that something was a little Nicelander! The giant man let out a pained yell as he fell back, the tiny person hitting him with the force of a cannon ball!

"RALPH!" Felix shouted, looking down at the wrecker, the man knocked out cold. The repairman then heard snarling, looking to his side to see none other than Tony looking up at him like some sort of rabid dog!

"Gah! T-Tony?"

"THE PINK RABBITS SAY I AM THEIR KING! OBEY BUTT-FARTS OR PAY!" screeched a voice from afar.

Felix shook his head as he tried to find the source of the voice "E-excuse me!? BUTT-FART?! Who in tha right mind would say-?!"

"KISS MY FLUFFY PURPLE BOOTY, SHARK BOOOOOOOY!"

Now THAT one REALLY put Felix over, the very sound of the word knocking the repairman from the cart! Ralph groaned as he sat up, rubbing his aching head.

"Urgh, so were they burglars?"

"Ralph…." Felix said in a thin voice as he pointed towards the apartments "LOOK."

Ralph turned his attention to the apartments, only to let out a gasp at what he saw.

There before him were all the Nicelanders, running around and going completely insane with one another! Felix and Ralph couldn't help but stare, especially once they realized that these were the NICELANDERS who were doing so much damage, the tiny people throwing objects, punching each other, and setting things on fire for NO REASON!

Well, there WAS a reason.

And that reason was TURBO PIE!

Felix ran from the trolley over to the Nicelanders, not realizing the mistake he had made.

"GUYS! GUYS! WHAT'S GOTTEN INTA YA?! THIS ISN'T-?!"

Before Felix could say another word, he was suddenly lifted off the ground by MARY, the woman looking AWFUL in her tattered dress, her hair out of its bun and frazzled all over.

"TIME FOR ME TO KICK YOUR BEHIND, DEAR!"

"OH MY GOODNESS, MAAAAAARY!"

And then Mary threw Felix into the pond, the ducks flying for their lives as Felix splashed around.

"HEY!" Ralph cried as he ran over to the gang in anger! The Nicelanders could throw him all the wanted to, but when they turned on Felix? That was the final straw! "You can't just-!"

Ralph soon learned his mistake was well as a swarm of Nicelanders jumped the man, crawling all over him like rabid mice and BITING him wherever they could find exposed flesh!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" the wrecker wailed in pain at the many bites he got "ITS LIKE BEING ATTACKED BY DEMON BABIES!"

"HABULBLHHUBLBULHLU!" blubbered Norwood, throwing his cats on Ralph, only adding to his pain "TASTE MY PUSSY!"

"GET 'EM OFF ME!" hollered Ralph "THEY'RE RIPPIN' ME APART!"

"KEKEKEKEKEKEKE! JUST GET ME DISH LADY!" cackled Carl as he lifted up and threw Pearl into a tree by her hair, the woman screaming at the top of her lungs.

"I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!" screamed Don, who was now naked and running around the yard.

Felix managed to crawl his way from the apartment, looking about in fear from the noise, flaming tennis racket nearly crashing into his skull.

"TWENTY LOVE SOMETHING SOMETHING I WIN! BOOM BOOM!"

"Ralph! RALPH!" the man shouted, trying his best not to get the other's attention. Ralph sprang to his feet and threw the other Nicelanders of him as he tried to run for his life.

"Oh PROGRAMMERS! I'VE HAD NIGHTMARE'S LIKE-!"

BAM!

A tv came into contact with the back of Ralph's skull, the man crying out in pain as he fell forward.

"Urrf, w-who-?!"

The giant man turned, seeing Mayor Gene standing before him and looking crazed, the only thing on his person being his martini print underwear!

"Oh no…."Ralph moaned.

Gene took a deep breath as he held his arms out, much like Ralph did at the start of the game.

"Tell me he's not…." Felix shivered, shaking his head.

Oh, but he WAS.

"I'M GONNA WRECK IT!" Gene roared, jumping right at Ralph's ankles and pulling him back "RAAAAAUGH!"

"AW NAH! AW NAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed Ralph, his huge hands digging into the ground but doing nothing to keep him away from the Nicelander.

Gene was just too full on pie to even realize what he was doing but in the moment, he found the strength to take Ralph by his ankles, spin him around….

"GAAAAH!"

And THROW the man into the woods, much like how Ralph tossed the Nicelander at the start of EVERY game!

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"RALPH!" cried Felix as he ran towards the wrecker, dodging a few crazed Nicelanders in the process. To his luck, the repairman didn't have to travel far, Ralph's feet sticking out from the massive pile of bricks "Oh my land! Ralph, are ya okay?!"

"Urgh….I think I might have chipped a TOOTH!"

Felix prepared to say something but a MASSIVE explosion stopped him, the man jumping behind Ralph for protection. The wrecker dug himself out from under the bricks, only to look at the ensuing chaos that was happening not too far away.

"W-what do you tnhink happened?!" asked a worried Felix.

"I don't know…." Ralph said flatly "But until it's over, I ain't movin'!"

That was the best thing both men could do and a few hours later….

"Uuurgh! My HEAAAD!" moaned Norwood, crawling from the bushes.

"Nngh, I feel like ran face first into a TRUCK!" whimpered Lucy.

Nel rolled from under the picnic table, her hair in her face "H-Have mercy…am I DEAD?!"

"BLAAAAAARF!" came the cries from a sick Roy, the man sobbing horribly "I think I puked out all my internal organs!"

Felix and Ralph peeked over from the brick pile, noticing that the Nicelanders were now returning to normal, or as normal as one could get considering what they had been through. Mary staggered to her feet, one of her heels missing as she looked about. The headache she was suffering from us INDESCRIBABLE and the fact that she saw THREE of everyone didn't make things any better. She swayed to and from, seeing the bodies of her neighbors sprawled about.

"H-hat? Has anyone seen my ha-AURGH!"

The woman tripped over a bloated figure, the man turning over as he put his hands on his aching stomach.

"M-Mayor GENE?!" the woman said in shock as she looked down. She took the man by his cheeks, pulling him up "Oh, GRACIOUS dear! Please tell me you're still alive!"

Gene blinked, having never felt this hung over even with all the booze he normally drank "W-what was that pretty lady?"

"E-excuse me?!" asked Mary, blushing brighter than ever!

Deanna dragged herself out of the trashbin, her glasses falling off "Okay, its official! I am NEVER eating Turbo Pie again!"

Just hearing the word TURBO PIE caused Gene's stomach ache to get WORSE, the man rolling over on his side.

"No more pie! NO MORE PIE! My *BWAAAAARP!* tummy hurts!"

"Wait, so ya mean they just ate Turbo Pie?!" Felix said "Hoo! For a moment, I thought someone had sold 'em somethin'!"

"W-well, it's nice to see that they weren't acting NATURALLY…" Ralph chuckled, albeit nervously "But….but what now?"

Felix looked at the destruction that was sprawled out before him. He knew he was going to have a lot of work set out for him to repair.

BUT NOT TONIGHT!

The man sank into the bricks, wanting nothing more than to hide for cover after everything that happened. Watching the repairman disappear, Ralph followed suit.

They weren't in the mood for this shit.

"PROGRAMMERS, WHY AM I NAKED?!"


	2. Chapter 2

Litwak's Arcade-1993

"Quitin' time!" sang Felix as he looked at the shiny new medal he had gotten. The man turned on his heels and walked back into the apartments, the troupe of Nicelanders following closely behind. Unbeknownst to the man, a large wrecker in red lay face down in the mud, angry bubbles of rage coming up from the surface as he growled.

What a HORRIBLE day; the kids were being EXTRA rough on him for some reason but it really didn't matter in the end.

At least he got to throw Gene a lot.

Ralph stomped his way back towards his brick pile, the Nicelanders skittering away in fear as they always did. The man faked a smile as he waved, knowing full well they didn't want anything to do with him.

"Pfft, yeah."

The wrecker yawned but felt a rumble in his stomach.

Food. He needed food.

With the way things had been so busy, the wrecker had far too much to do to run out and grab a bite to eat. He always had a coin stashed away for something from Food Fight or Burger Time but this time, he didn't have the taste for either. He wanted something different, something….something sweet.

"What is it with me and sweets today?" Ralph asked himself as he looked up towards the apartments, seeing Mary laying out another pie to prepare for the games the next day.

Ah, pie!

That's what Ralph wanted!

The wrecker licked his lips just thinking about pie. On occasion, the wrecker had been able to swipe a pie or two, sometimes just to annoy the Nicelanders, but he had to admit for chubby little balls of fluff, they could bake their butts off, ESPECIALLY Mary!

Ralph hated to admit that he envied Felix and the Nicelanders. Day in and day out, he could see and smell them baking away and he could also see the group helping themselves to Mary's pie. Felix would always comment on how tasty it was and Gene…

The fat booger; he was ALWAYS stuffing his face full of pie! Sometimes Ralph wondered if the little mayor did it out of spite for him, as if he KNEW that Ralph was watching him so he would savor EVERY, LITTLE bite. The very thought made Ralph snicker though.

"Guess that explains why Gene's been feelin' heavier than normal. He's been eatin' too much of them pies!"

The wrecker noticed the Nicelanders all filing out of the apartment, Felix trailing behind him. Things were always like this on the weekend; the group would go somewhere but they would NEVER go unless they were accompanied by each other or Felix.

When you're only three feet tall and you're arms and legs can't protect you worth doodie, you do tend to be a little skittish, especially when you're surrounded by such MASSIVE characters!

Ralph ducked a bit in his brick pile, trying to hear what the group was saying but he couldn't make out the chattering of the Nicelanders, the group sounding like hamsters when their voices collided with each other.

"Okay, that sounds like a good idea!" Felix said happily "I can't believe someone was able to get a copy of the Mario movie! It should be GOOD!"

And with that, the group boarded the trolley and headed out to the station, once again leaving Ralph alone.

But on this night, he wouldn't have it any other way.

"Okay! Time for some pie!" the wrecker said, rubbing his huge hands together.

The Nicelanders thought they were so smart! They had made sure to keep an eye on Ralph but they didn't know about his little 'trick' with the back door. In his years of being in the game, Ralph had figured out a way to jimmy the lock on the back entrance of Niceland, allowing him some access when the others were gone. While he didn't go through the others' apartments, he did know where the group had a large community kitchen and there he would swipe a treat or two.

Ralph might have been BIG, but he wasn't a FOOL.

He tip-toed towards the large kitchen on the first floor, the tight quarters of the place adding a sense of unease to him.

"For cryin' out….would it have KILLED the designer to make these guys FIVE FEET tall or somethin'! I mean, I would still be big to 'em if they were shaped like NORMAL PEOPLE!"

BUMP!

Ralph let out a small cry as his nose hit something!

"OW!"

He rubbed his nose, hoping that it wouldn't turn any redder but as his eyes focused, he saw it!

The fridge!

Oh boy, oh boy! Ralph knew that the thing would be full of pies by now and wasting no time, he opened the fridge and there before him lay a bounty of extra baked goods and other things!

"Hehe, it WAS a good night to save some coin!" Ralph chuckled to himself, quickly grabbing a bottle of milk.

He then saw them; the pies! All of them perfectly cut, perfectly laid, perfectly decorated and there for the taking!

"Ah bah-bah-bah! Hold it big guy!" Ralph said to himself "Take too many, the lil chubsters will get suspicious!"

He laughed to himself again; he could always blame Gene on it! He knew Mary would scold the man if she even heard he was sneaking pies again!

And he would LOVE the sight!

"Maybe one or two….or three….or five! That should be enough!" the wrecker smiled. He then stopped, remembering an IMPORTANT fact. He gasped as he jumped away "Geeze what am I doin'?! I don't know which pie is WHICH!"

Which pie was which?

Or better yet, which pie was a NORMAL pie and which one was a TURBO PIE!

Darn it! Why couldn't the Nicelanders LABEL their stuff? After all, that incident in eighty-six was MORE than enough to show everyone in the game how dangerous eating a Turbo Pie could be! Ralph thought it over for a second, feeling a tad nervous as he looked down at the pies.

"These things turned the Nicelanders into….well, ME on a HORRIBLE day when I drink too much caffeine! Who knows what could happen when I eat one of these things!"

Again, the wrecker thought for a moment; he was MUCH bigger and MUCH stronger than both Felix and the Nicelanders COMBINED! Perhaps his system wouldn't take to the pie the same way the Nicelanders did.

And after all, there was nothing in the rules that said RALPH couldn't eat a pie! Perhaps nothing would happen since he was a bad guy and all! Maybe they would just react like a normal pie would react!

Yes! That HAD to be it! There was no reason for Ralph to worry so much! Making up his mind, the man reached in and helped himself to a large handful of pies, ambling out and leaving not a trace that he was in the apartments behind. Humming, he made his way back to his brick pile, the stack of pies in one hand and the jug of milk in the other.

"Well!" the man chuckled to himself "Bon appetit!"

The first pie was MARVELOUS.

Strawberry; sweet, succulent, savory STRAWBERRY!

"Ooooom! Such taste!" the man said in delight, almost overcome by the wash of flavor that he was met with. He took three big swigs from the milk, nearly draining it before moving onto the next pie.

Peach.

Again, Ralph was hit by a wave of taste. The Nicelanders could work their way with pie, he had to admit that.

But he also had to admit that he was feeling hungrier!

With a smile, he shoved the third pie in his mouth, chomping it in less than two bites before he swallowed it but he needed more!

"Heheh! I had a busy day! I need fuel!" the man cackled, taking the last two pies and shoving them right into his mouth, not even caring to chew!

Pie, pie, pie, PIE! Ralph wanted MORE PIE!

By now, the wrecker found he couldn't even sit still! He felt so giddy, so energetic, SO HUNGRY!

HE NEEDED MORE PIE!

"YEEEEEEEEEEEES!" he laughed, turning his head towards the back door "I CAN SMELL THE PIE TALKIN' TA ME!"

Without saying another word, Ralph BASHED his way back into the apartments, leaving a nice Ralph-shaped hole in the wall. He stopped at the fridge, ripping BOTH the doors of their handles and pulled each and every pie out of the fridge, shoving them into his mouth!

"OMNOMNOMNOM! I'M GONNA EAT IT!"

* * *

An hour later, Felix and the Nicelanders returned home….but they were not happy.

"WOW…." Said Mary, shaking her head "I…I didn't think people could take liberties with MARIO like that!"

"Um, why was Bowser human…and why did he have dreadlocks spike-thingies for hair?" asked Tony, still horribly confused over the movie.

"Aw man…." Felix said, shaking his head "I take back EVERYTHIN' I said about our Saturday mornin' cartoon from ten years ago! At least they gave us good voice actors an' had us in character!"

"Speak for yourself, Felix!" pouted Norwood "They had some dude playin' me with this TERRIBLE Irish accent! Just because I look like this doesn't mean-!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!"

The Nicelanders screamed at the sudden explosion, ducking behind Felix for protection but even the repairman was thrown for a loop!

"What in tha world-?!"

As the group ran further to their home, they saw that it had been completely OBLITERATED! Niceland was in such horrible condition that it was a wonder that ANY part of it was still standing! Street lamps and bushes were overturned, uprooted trees were everywhere and most of all….

BRICKS WERE BEING LOBBED ABOUT LIKE GRENADES!

"GET DOWN!" shouted Don just as a brick was about to nail him in the face.

"Holy programmers in heaven! What is goin' on here?!" asked a stunned Felix.

"Need you ask?!" snapped an angry Gene, pointing towards the source of the destruction "Seems like our 'FAVORITE' bad guy got out!"

Got out wasn't the way to describe what Ralph was doing! The man was more or less out of his SKULL by now, running around at top speeds and screaming as if he were being stung by bees.

"OH MY PROGRAMMERS! I GOTTA GET 'EM BEFORE THEY GET MEEEEEEEEEEE!" the man screamed, taking a massive boulder and picking it up over his head.

"RALPH!" cried Felix as he ran over "CALM DOWN BEFORE-!"

A shiny glint caught the man's attention. He soon recognized the pie tins that littered the yard and after picking one up, his face paled.

"NO!"

Yup! Ralph had eaten EVERY SINGLE Turbo Pie in the building and was now paying for it, the wrecker so off his rocker that he couldn't even sit still for a second. The huge man stopped, smiling down at Felix before erupting into crazed laughter.

"HELLO FIXY PERSON! ARE YOU HEAR TO TAKE ME TO CLOUD LAND?!"

"Um….NO?" whimpered Felix, shrinking down in fear.

"RALPH! GET AWAY FROM HIM!" yelled Gene, running as fast as his little legs could carry him "If you so much as hurt ONE HAIR on him, I SWEAR-!"

"HAHAHAH! IT'S A TALKIN' MUSHROOM BABY!" Ralph laughed, making a dive for Gene and picking him up none too gently.

"NYAAAAGH! WHAT ARE YOU-?!"

"AAAAAAAAAW! Don't worry lil baby! I'LL FIND YOUR HOME!" Ralph cooed all before LICKING Gene, the man crying out in disgust.

"My soul…..it's been TAINTED!" the man cried in disgust.

The wrecker drew back a fist, Gene yelping as he found himself clutched even tighter "HERE BABY! LEMME PUT YA BACK IN YOUR NEST!"

"W-WAIT! WHAT ARE YOU DO-?!"

Before Gene could say another word, Ralph THREW the man with such force that he went SAILING above everyone, only to go through BOTH ends of the penthouse windows and come crashing out the other side!

"NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

"GENE!" screamed Mary, rushing over to the other side of the brick pile, watching in horror as Gene respawned before her, still covered in drool and shaking horribly.

"N-N-NOW do you see why I don't want him around?!"

Ralph looked around, a horrid smile on his face as he glared at the other Nicelanders.

"MORE BABIES!"

"Ralph! RALPH! No!" screamed Felix "They are NOT babies! They are your neighbors and-!"

The wrecker turned, ROARING right into Felix's face with such force that the man's hat blew away!

"YOU WANNA HURT THESE BABIES! BUT I'M NOT GONNA LET YA!"

"This is goin' ta get WORSE, isn't it?"

Ralph GRABBED Felix with such force the repair man could have sworn he felt his back crack!

"GAH! RALPH!"

"ME NOT RALPH! ME WRECK-MAN! PROTECTOR OF CHUBBY BABY PEOPLE!"

"WE'RE NOT BABIES!" screamed Nel, clearly peeved by now but Ralph didn't hear her. In fact, he was much too busy climbing the building with Felix in his hands to even realize that the others were screaming up to him.

"All I wanted ta do was have a nice movie night!" Felix yelped, watching as the sidewalks was getting rather far away.

"SHUT UP!" Ralph bellowed "BLUE MAN TALK TOO MUCH!"

Ralph continued to climb higher and higher with Felix in his arms, only stopping once both were at the top but the man wasn't done! He held Felix in his hands and shook him, roaring the entire time.

"I AM ZEUS! YOU MORTALS, FEAR ME!"

The wrecker threw Felix to the side, tearing off his overalls and shirt, standing atop the building in his underwear and beating his huge chest.

"FEAR ME! FEAR ME FOR I AM YOUR GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD!"

Felix scooted away, wasting no time in gunning it for the door.

NOPE. HE WASN'T DEALING WITH THIS AGAIN.

"RALPH! GET DOWN FROM THERE!" Gene shouted, wanting nothing more than to climb up the building and knock Ralph down HIMSELF "YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR TODAY! END THIS NOW!"

"DOES THE SMALL BLUE FAT ONE DENY ME?!"

"FAT?! I'LL FATTEN YOUR LIP-!" Gene snapped, trying to find something he could through, despite the fact that he knew he couldn't throw worth beans.

For several moments, Ralph continued to throw objects down on the Nicelanders, the group of people fleeing for their lives as they dodged bricks, chairs and anything else Ralph could get his massive hands on and all the while, he continued to laugh and cackled like a maniac, not caring that he was in his underwear!

"FLEE! FLEE BEFORE I SMITE YOU ALL!"

But everything that goes up….MUST come down!

As Ralph was about to toss another hunk of concrete down, something within him gave way. All of a sudden, ALL the energy he had built within him seemed to just DIE, the man draining of all his power in less than five seconds as he felt a wave of weakness come over him. He swayed, he mumbled, his head began to hurt.

"Uuuuurgh! But mommy, the rainbow monkey was the one who gave me the pie…"

And…

He fell.

"Oh! OH! OOOOH!" cried Mary as she looked up, seeing the huge man falling towards the ground "EVERYONE RUN!"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!

A game-quaking crash hit the area, all the Nicelanders getting tossed all over the place but once the dust cleared, they saw a familiar figure face planted on the ground.

There before them lay Ralph, still in his underwear and twitching horrible. The Nicelanders approached the man cautiously, Felix leading the group.

"Raaaalph?" Felix asked, tapping the man on the shoulder with his foot "Ya still there?"

Ralph groaned in pain as he flinched, raising his head and showing the pained look on his face. All around him he could see the many faces peering down at him but he couldn't tell if there were so many because there were so many Nicelanders….or because he saw MULTIPLE of everything! He tried to move but his body was in just too much pain.

"Felix?!"

"Yeah?"

"Please keep those pies under lock an' key!" and with that, Ralph passed out, his head hitting the sidewalk so hard it cracked.


	3. Chapter 3

Litwak's Arcade -2013

"Quitin' time!" sang Felix.

"As always!" laughed Ralph.

Felix ambled his way down the stairs to meet with the others, the group helping each other out clean up from another record breaking day on the job.

"Easy, Ralph! EASY!" Gene said, feeling himself lifting off the ground as he tried to put back a piece of the awning. Ralph chuckled as he returned the thing to its place, helping Gene back on the ground "Alright, you've done enough flyin' for one evenin'. I think someone is waitin' for ya!"

"HEY STINK BRAINS!" shouted a voice from afar. Ralph turned to see Vanellope running up to him, the girl much too full of energy to stop herself from SLIDING into Ralph once she tripped on her shoes.

"Hey, hey, hey! We don't need ya to fly through the windows!" Ralph chuckled as he hugged the girl.

"But RAAAAAAALPH, it would be AWESOME if ya threw me through a window!"

"So does anyone have plans for tonight?" asked Felix.

"Meh, we're feeling a bit lax tonight, Felix…." Gene said as he went over to Mary, taking her hand "I think we're gonna get some pies ready for tomorrow! You know, to be prepared!"

"Yeah, you're thinkin' of PIE…" whispered Norwood, a devilish grin on his face "But it ain't Turbo Pie!"

Nel raised a hand and gave the red-headed Nicelander a well-deserved slap on the head "NORY."

"Pie?" Vanellope said, her interest peaked "Did someone say PIIIIIE?"

"Aw come on, kid! Your game is FULL of pies and sweets!" Ralph said, lifting the girl by her hood "Don't tell me you want even more of the sweet stuff! I'm surprised all your teeth haven't fallen out!"

"But RAAAAAALPH, you know that Nicelander pie is DIFFERENT from Sugar Rush pie!" the girl whined "An' 'sides, Ms. Mary's pie is good so what harm would a little slice do?"

"Oh, I just can't resist those sweet cheeks!" Mary twittered, pinching Vanellope's face "You can have as much pie as you want dear!"

"Thank you Ms. Mary!" the girl said brightly, grinning from ear to ear.

* * *

A few moments later, Vanellope was helping herself to her third slice of pie, unable to resist the tasty filling.

"Mmmmm, this is so YUMMY!" the girl said as she continued to dig in, Mary more than happy to have someone else compliment her on her cooking.

"Again, I must thank you dear. It makes me happy to know that someone enjoys my pie!"

Ralph couldn't help but laugh as he watch Vanellope eat; the girl was acting as if she had never tried pie before but he knew this could be further from the truth, especially with the fact that she was the ruler of an entire land based on sweets.

"Okay, kiddo! We've annoyed Mary and Gene long enough! Let's go somewhere else!"

"Aw, do we hafta?" Vanellope begged.

Ralph winked at Vanellope "Well, we could stay if ya wanna! I mean, Mary an' Gene are gonna be here, tellin' each other how much they LUB each other an' get all kissy kissy an'-!"

"EW!" the girl said scrunching up her face "I mean! Um….That's grown-up stuff! I don't need ta be subjected ta that!"

"So can we leave now?"

"Meh, sure!" the girl said, putting her arms behind her back "But I still wish I knew what Mary did to get her pie to taste so GOOD! The guy an' I have been tryin' for MONTHS an' we can't beat her!"

"Well, it's all in the hands I guess!" the wrecker chuckled "We've been here for thirty years and even we can't figure it out!"

"Maybe it's just in her code…" Gene cooed, nuzzling Mary who was now blushing.

"Oh, darling. Stop!" the woman giggled, smooching Gene on the lips.

Okay! Now Vanellope wanted out!

"Gaaaah! COOTIES!"

The girl took Ralph by the hand and led him towards the door "C'mon! I heard they're doing a bad movie night over in Jungle King! Street Fighter is tha target tonight!"

"HAH! I wouldn't miss that, especially to hear Guile screamin' over tha entire thing!"

And with that, the two made their way towards the entrance of the apartments but Vanellope had not put a foot on the ground when something popped into her head.

"Oh my gosh!" she gasped, glitching in shock.

"What is it kid?"

"Oh, I forgot my back-pack!" she said as she turned and ran back towards the stairs "Be right back big guy!"

Vanellope sprinted up back to Mary's apartment but once she got to the door, she was surprised to find that Mary and Gene were nowhere to be found.

"Hello?' the little racer said, looking about. She turned towards the dining room, seeing her backpack hanging on the chair.

"YES! Knew I left ya here!"

The girl made a grab for her bag but just as she was about to leave, she noticed something in the kitchen, a canister catching her eye.

TURBO POWER.

"Hmmm?" the girl hummed, craning her neck to the side "Turbo Power?"

Vanellope glitched closer, standing on her tip-toes to reach the stuff.

"Add a spoonful, become a hero…" she read to herself. Suddenly it all began to make sense; THIS must have been Mary's secret ingredient to her pies!

"OF COURSE!" the girl said, her eyes lighting up "If I add this to our pies, I can FINALLY reach a level of baking skills that's close to Ms. Mary!"

The little racer squealed with glee as she thought of the pies she and her friends could make now! It was all too exciting!

"Hopefully, Ms. Mary won't mind if I borrow this!" Vanellope said to herself, checking around the kitchen to make sure no one else was around. With the coast clear, Vanellope shoved the canister into her back-pack and skipped out of the apartment.

Three seconds later, Mary's bedroom door opened.

"Was someone in here?!" the woman whispered, looking more than embarrassed.

Gene, peaked through, curing to himself "Urgh, I KNEW I shouldn't have left that door cracked like that!"

* * *

"Alright, run it to me again, Sweets. WHAT is this stuff?" asked Taffyta, a lollipop held in-between her teeth.

"TURBO POWER!" Vanellope laughed "It's the stuff that puts the TURBO in those pies Felix inhales all days!"

"Heh, cute…" the strawberry racer snorted "But ya know me. I'm on a NO TURBO diet. If it has anythin' with his name on it, I'm chuckin' it!"

"Aw but TAFF! This stuff has nothin' ta do with ol' yellow-teeth!" the raven-haired racer cooed "This is what makes those pies of Mary's so darn tasty an' I'm sure ya know how good they are!"

Taffyta couldn't help but fall into a bit of a day dream once she thought of the pies from Niceland. It had only been a few months when she got her first taste but when she tried Mary's strawberry pie….

She literally froze in position, they were THAT good.

And here was the chance to make a strawberry pie JUST as good.

"Hmmm…." The racer thought, brushing her bangs out of her eyes "Ya sure this is it?"

"What else could it be?!" Vanellope blurted out, nearly knocking Taffyta over "I mean, everyone keeps goin' on an' on about some sorta ingredients an' when I saw this, it just CLICKED! Turbo Powers equals tasty as heck pies!"

Taffyta still had her doubts; didn't she hear something BAD about this before? If she had, it was lost in her mind by now.

"Well….I do have a hankering for some pie!" Taffyta said, licking her lips.

"Pfft, who says we're gonna stop at ONE pie!" Vanellope said, going over to her phone "This is somethin' the whole GANG has ta try!"

In only an hour, the entire Sugar Rush troupe had gathered in one of the many bakeries in the game, all ready and set to get to work.

"Now…" Vanellope said, doing her best General impersonation "Ya all say ya know a thing or two about pies! Heck, I say I know a thing or two about pies but as we all know, there is ONE game…ONE. GAME. That has us beat! FIX-IT-FELIX JR! We can't let THAT game beat us when it comes to pies, can we?!"

"NO MA'AM!" the kids cried, their chest puffed out and looking much too dramatic for a bunch of nine year olds who were making baked goods.

"DARN TOOTIN'! Right now, I have tha very THING that can make us bakin' GODS in this arcade an' I ask ya this, my friends…."

The girl paused, turning back and holding her hand out towards the others.

"H-Hold on, gettin' a lil chocked up here!"

"Drama queen…" Crumbellina chuckled, rolling her eyes.

"DO YA WANNA MAKE PIES?!"

"YES MA'AM, YES!"

"DO YA WANNA MAKE THE BEST PIES EVER?!"

"YES, MA'AM! YES!"

"DO YA WANNA MAKE PIES SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL EXPLODE FROM EATIN' 'EM?!"

The group of kids stopped at that one, giving Vanellope stares as if she were crazy.

"Okay, forget I said that one but do ya wanna make pies so good, so TASTY that people will say 'Hey, them kids know how ta handle a good pie'?!"

"HECKS YEA!" shouted Gloyd.

"THEN LET'S GET TA BAKIN'!" Vanellope cheered, jumping down to her friends as she joined them in their baking.

Eggs, sugar, flour, salt! Blueberries, strawberries, cherries, and peaches! Milk, cream, butter, and cinnamon!

All and everything went into the pies but there was something that Vanellope made SURE to add.

Turbo Power!

Sugar Rush was filled with all sorts of delicious smells as the kids worked their way through their pies, not stopping until the last one came out of the oven, piping hot and fresh.

"Awwww, maaaaaan!" Candlehead said, drool already forming from her mouth "I-it's BEAUTIFUL."

"Indeed!" Vanellope snickered, a proud look on her face "Now my friends….ya have your pies?"

The group of children all raised their forks over their respective pies, huge smiles on their faces as they couldn't WAIT to dig in.

"Then on your marks! Get set! EAT!"

* * *

"Aw man, what a day!" Ralph yawned as he put on his pajamas, the buttons straining to fit over his huge chest "But at least it was a good day!"

The wrecker flopped into his bed, already feeling the lull of sleep pulling at him. Just as he was about to drift off, he heard a frantic knock at the door.

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK!

The man growled; who could it be at this hour?

"Urgh, alright! ALRIGHT!" the man growled as he lumbered over to the door, clearly not in the mood for visitors. His mood changed though once he saw that Felix was at the door, the man in his own PJs and hopping about frantically.

"Whoa, what's wrong?!"

"RALPH! VANELLOPE! THE KIDS! THEY'RE-!" Felix stammered, much too panicked to even string his words together correctly.

"What's wrong with the kids?!" the man roared, picking the repairman off the ground.

* * *

"HEY EVERYONE! GUESS HOW MUCH STUFF I CAN THROW!" shouted Minty, lifting an OVEN over her head and HURLING it out the window.

"AHHAHAHAHAH! THAT'S NOTHIN'! I CAN THROW MY KART!" replied Snowanna, the girl bouncing on her giant snow-fro.

Sugar Rush was a complete DISASTER area and why wouldn't it be? There were now more than a handful of power-up children running loose, destroying ANYTHING that they got their hands on!

Ralph and Felix ran their way down the rainbow bridge towards the main village only to see just how wild things had gotten. Felix recognized the destruction in an instant and slapped his forehead.

"FOR CRYIN' OUT-?! WHY DO PEOPLE KEEP EATIN' MY TURBO PIES?!"

"WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERN! I CAN FLY!" Yelled Taffyta, the girl standing atop a large building "WATCH ME AS I DO MY SWAN DIVE!"

"OH NO! OH NO!" Felix said as he ran towards the girl. Fortunately, he caught her just in time!

UNFORTUNATELY, his catch resulted in the man ending up UNDER the kid, Taffyta looking about everywhere with a crazed grin on her face.

"Strawberries and sweets! STRAWBERRIES AND SWEETS! THAT'S WHO I AM!" and with that, Taffyta started ROLLING towards another building.

Ralph helped Felix back on his feet but he couldn't take his eyes off what the kids were doing. Somehow, the Sugar Rush racers were causing MORE damage than the Nicelanders and himself COMBINED and even with a single CAN of Turbo Power, it looked like they could be powered up for HOURS!

"Yeah, we're screwed…."

GLITCH!

"HELLO RALPHIE!" yelled Vanellope so loudly that she knocked Ralph on his butt "HOW YOU AN' HAMMER BOY DOIN'?! I'M FINE! I ATEAPIEANDTHEPIEWASGREATBUTITWASSOGREATTHATIHADTOE ATMOREDIDIMEANTIONPIEBECAUSEPIEISSOTASTYANDIFEELFU NNYDOYOUFEELFUNNYIFEELSO-!"

The wrecker covered the girl's mouth but to his shock, she was STILL talking!

"Mpph mmpph! MMM! MMM! MMMPH!"

"Er, yeah…about that!"

"WHO WANTS SOME SAKURA MOCHI?!" screeched Sakura, the girl running after several candy people and swigging her Pocky-stick hair decorations around like bats.

"Sakura, NO!" cried Ralph as he tried to go after the girl but he was stopped when he was hit in the face by the bumper of a kart!

A CHERRY PIE kart!

"Hey, what-?!"

There before him stood Jubileena, the little racer snarling down at Ralph and holding something in her hands.

Something very sharp and very dangerous.

"DID YA SAY SOMETHIN' BOUT MY CHAINSAW?!"

"Uh, no?"

BZZRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT!

The girl pulled a candy chainsaw from behind her back, lifting it over her head!

"I SAID, DID YA SAY SOMETHING 'BOUT MY CHAIN SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAW!"

"OH DEAR."

"Oh, look! TREES THAT NEED TA BE CUT DOWN!" shouted Felix, hoping to distract the girl. Thankfully, his plan worked and Jubileena ran off at top speed, cutting down EVERY peppermint tree she came across!

"Okay, these kids are LOADED!" Ralph panted, realizing just how close he came to losing his head "Any suggestions on how to get them off this stuff?!"

Vanellope continued to glitch everywhere, singing and yelling in Italian for no other reason than she could. Rancis ran by, his pants on his head and his shirt on his bottom.

"MY PEOPLE! WE ARE LIVIN' A LIE! THIS IS HOW WE SHOULD DRESS!"

"SHUT UP BUTTER BOY! YOUR DISTURBIN' MY PUMPKIN!" screamed Gloyd, the boy tackling Rancis into the soda fountain.

Felix looked up at Ralph, and then back to the crowd of screaming children.

"Remember what happened back in eighty-six?"

"Yeah?"

"I suggest we find something heavy to hide behind, AN' STAY THERE!"

Candlehead approached the men but to their surprise, she looked calm and she remained silent. Maybe in the course of all the madness, she had been able to keep her sanity.

"H-Hey C-head?" Ralph said, bending down to the girl "You okay?"

The girl's eyes looked right at Ralph's…and then she opened her mouth.

An ENORMOUS jet of fire engulfed BOTH Ralph and Felix, the two men standing in utter shock and covered in ash just as the girl EXPLODED in front of them!

Why did she EXPLODE?

Because of TURBO PIE.

"Hide?" asked Ralph.

"HIDE!"

A few hours later, the noise coming from Sugar Rush began to die down, the screaming, kicking and roaring finally disappearing only to be replaced by pained groans and the last few crashes of tumbling house.

Vanellope lay on her back, her entire body covered in batter and coconut grass "W-what happened?"

Taffyta moaned as she tried to stand on her feet, not an easy feat when she realized she was wrapped up in licorice "Did…did I eat someone? I can't remember….."

Felix and Ralph peeked from their hiding spots, seeing that things had THANKFULLY calmed down. The wrecker wiped his brow as he approached the kids.

"So….ya guys have fun with those pies?"

Vanellope burped, a feeling of nausea coming over her "Urrph! I think I'm gonna barf…."

Felix looked around at all the damage that was done to the game; he knew he had his work cut out for him, not that he mined helping others.

But did it REALLY have to happen like this?!

"Okay, I'm gonna ask tha Surge ta help me put a BAN on people eatin' Turbo pies! This is NUTS!"

"Ya won't hear any argument from ME!" Ralph said as he carried the sick Vanellope in his hands.

"Orph! Wait, don't move too-BLAAAURGH!"

"GAH! VANELLOPE!"

The repairman let out a heavy sigh; he knew what he had to fix first.

* * *

"Hey Sarge, why the long face?" asked Mouse, the woman looking up from her keyboard.

"Meh, I asked Felix if he was going to be free this afternoon but poor guy is caught up in some business over in Sugar Rush…." Sighed Calhoun as she sat in her chair, her long legs propped up.

"Oh? And what happened?"

"I don't know. He said it wasn't worth askin', something about it being one huge headache."

"Aw, don't worry Sarge!" Mouse smiled "I'm sure your hubby will be MORE than happy to see ya once he's done!"

"Yeah, I know…." The woman replied, unable to force back a smile "But if any good came from this, I did bring us a pie from the apartment!"

"OOOOH! Ya know I LOVE Nicelander pie!" Mouse said as she rubbed her hands together.

"Yeah! There were so many of these things in the fridge, I didn't know which one to take!" Calhoun said "But hey, if ya want some, cut off a slice!"

"Hey Kowalski!" Mouse shouted to the end of the hall "Calhoun brought us some pie!"

"Nice!" the big man cheered as he came running down the halls "Just what I needed too!"

"Hey Sarge?" Mouse asked as she peered down at the top of the pie "Do you know why there's a T on this pie?"

Calhoun took a bite of her slice, surprised at how tasty the pie was "I dunno….but does it matter? This stuff is GREAT!"

"Sarge, is it normal to see sparkles while eating pie?" Kowalski asked, feeling a bit jittery.


	4. Chapter 4

Litwak's Arcade- Three Hours After Sugar Rush

Felix wiped his brow as he put the finishing touches on the last building in Sugar Rush. To say that the man was EXHAUSTED would be an understatement! He had been running to and from every nook and cranny of the game just to make sure everything was in working order and any candy person who HAD had a bite taken out of them was once again whole.

And the less said about what he had to do in order to pick up the pieces from Candlehead after she EXPLODED, the better.

"Auuurgh, my BAAAACK…" the man groaned as he tried to stand, never feeling such aches in his life "Good thing a tap with a hammer is as good as a two Aspirin…."

Tap!

A golden light went through the man as he felt his aches and pains finally going away. He felt so much better but there was still the issue on what to do about those darn Turbo Pies!

"Okay, from now on….all tha ingredients that go into those things will be put off limits ta ANYONE who isn't from our game!" the man huffed, much more miffed than he usually was.

Ralph came lumbering back from the palace, looking just as exhausted as Felix. Good thing it was early Sunday morning and the arcade would be closed; Ralph was just too tired to do any wrecking!

"How are the kids?" asked Felix.

"I just put Nelly in bed but I think they're all fine…." The man yawned loudly. Who knew kids were so hard to keep care of, or at least so MANY of them! Ralph had gone around the entire village putting the racers to bed and considering the mess they had been through, they were going to need a good night's rest!

"So is everything done on your end?" the wrecker mumbled, wanting nothing more than to drop to the ground and sleep himself.

"Yeah, I guess so…." Felix replied, yawning "Hopefully we won't have to worry 'bout those kids eatin' Turbo Pie anymore! I think they learned their lesson!"

Ralph shuddered once the name of the pastry was brought up again, "Huurf! You're tellin' me! I can STILL feel the pavement from when I went through my own encounter with those things!"

"Tell me Ralph…." The small repairman asked "What makes those things SO good but so dangerous as well?"

"You're askin' me? I think that question would be better left to the GENIUS who programmed us!"

The two men walked out of the entrance from Sugar Rush and made the walk back home but as they entered the station, they were met by a strange sight.

"Is that….KOWALSKI?!"

Right before the two, Kowalski was skipping about, a crazed look on his eyes as he threw flowers up in the air.

"Such a LOVELY night!" the man giggled, spinning gracefully on his toes.

Both wrecker and repairman looked at each other and then returned their eyes towards the Hero's Duty solider, the man now dancing away like he were some sort of giddy child. Felix moaned loudly as he then turned towards the entrance to his wife's game.

"If it's what I think it is-!"

Indeed, it was.

Ralph and Felix hadn't stepped ONE foot in Hero's Duty when they say EVERYONE going about painting the entire game with bright colors, laughing and dancing like children and playing around with pillows and stuffed animals! Felix's jaw nearly hit the floor with what he saw but it was only getting worse!

"My Sparkle Tush pony is WAAAAAAAAAAY better than your Fluffle Hooves!" said Kohut to another solider.

"Nuh-uh! Everyone knows that Strawberry Rainbow Kiss is the BEST pony, EVER!" cried another solider, making a horse whine a second later.

"What….is goin' on?!" Felix asked, looking about for any sign of sanity.

* * *

"Oh, GENE!" sang Mary.

Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!

"GAH! WHAT THE-?!"

Both Nicelanders fumbled around on the floor before Gene was able to pick up the phone.

"He-LLO?!"

Voice break; Gene needed to sound more REFINED than that.

"Ahem! HELLO?"

"GENE?"

"F-Felix?" the mayor said nervously as he sat up "I-is there something wrong? I mean, why would you call at this-?"

The mayor stopped for a moment once he realized something; WASN'T FELIX IN HIS APARTMENT THE LAST TIME HE SAW HIM?

"Felix? Where in the world ARE you?!"

"I'm at Hero's Duty…an' I wanna ask ya somethin'. Did anyone come by tha apartment askin' for PIE?"

"Er, I-I don't know…." The mayor said sheepishly, blushing deeply "Mary and I were doing…BUSINESS and we didn't see anyone come in or out! I mean, I'm SURE I would have heard someone come in!"

Of course the two hadn't noticed Calhoun and the other soldiers making their way through the community kitchen, not with how 'BUSY' they had been!

"Well, from tha looks of things, I think Tammy an' a few others came by an' helped themselves ta some Turbo Pie…."

Gene sprang to his feet, "TURBO PIE!? IN HERO'S DUTY?!"

"Oh programmers, no!" Mary gasped, fearing the worst. Gene began to search around the floor for his clothing, trying to put them on as best he could without tripping over himself.

"I-I'll be right there as soon as I can Felix! Who knows what-!"

"That….that won't be necessary, Big Gene…." The repairman said from the other end, sounding a bit annoyed.

"Huh, are you sure?" the mayor said, raising an eyebrow "I mean, we all know what those pies can do to a person! I'm surprised that the entire arcade isn't on fire from those guys!"

* * *

Felix groaned as he gripped onto the other end of the phone, obviously trying his best to continue his conversation with Gene but having a difficult time doing so.

Most likely because a certain woman was snuggling him a might TOO tightly.

"Urf. I don't think we have ta worry 'bout any bombs goin' off…."

"Then what do you want us to do?!" asked a frantic Gene.

"Make sure those pies are under lock an' key UNTIL we need 'em, okay?"

"Er….okay….I guess!" Gene said, a tad confused.

"You don't think anyone saw us in here, do you?!"

"Mary! SHHH!"

And with that, Felix hung up the phone and not a moment too soon. The man let out a pained squawk as he felt his bones being crushed in a vise-like hug!

"DAAAAAAAAAAAW! The widdle fixy person is SOOOOOO CUTE!" giggled a familiar blond sergeant, a crazed look in her eyes and a huge smile on her face. Felix tried his best to wriggle himself free but he didn't stand a chance. It wasn't as if the man didn't want hugs and kisses from his wife. In fact he loved it when she showed him affection.

It was just this time….she let things get a little carried away.

WAY TOO CARRIED AWAY!

"Tammy! You're not well!" the man whimpered, Calhoun nipping him on the ear playfully.

"What do ya mean I'm not WELL? I FEEL GREAT!" the woman said, planting many kisses on her husband's face, not even giving him a chance to breath "An' I wanna show my husband how MUUUUCH I LUUUUUB him! MWAMWAMWAMWAMWA!"

"Oh boy..."

"One two, buckle my shoe! Three, four knock on the door!" Mouse sang, skipping rope with her electric tazer whip as Ralph watched, unsure what to do and feeling a tad uncomfortable to boot "Ehehehe! This is FUN!"

Ralph backed away, his face paling "Feliiiiiiix?"

It seemed like the Turbo Pies had a rather UNIQUE effect this time around; instead of making everyone in Hero's Duty even more violent and pumped than they usually were….

They were now reduced to acting like sugar-filled school children, everyone bouncing around and laughing gleefully as they put flowers in their hair, sang cheesy songs and more or less acted like the COMPLETE OPPOSITE to their rough and tough demeanors.

And Calhoun was not exempt from this.

At the moment she had Felix in her grasp, hugging and squeezing the man so tight that he was turning PURPLE in the face!

"Can't-! BREEEEATH!"

"Oh, is tha widdle fixy person sad?" Calhoun said, continuing her maddening baby talk "Then let's have fun!" she smiled madly, holding Felix out before her like he was some sort of baby.

The man flailed as he was being held, his wife's grip much too strong "W-WAIT! TAMMY! WHAT ARE YA-!?"

"UP YA GO!"

Calhoun then TOSSED Felix into the air, the man screaming at the top of his lungs as he sailed through the air, only to plummet down and crash land in his wife's arms.

"Wasn't that FUUUN?!"

"NO!" Felix wept.

"LET'S DO IT AGAIN! UP YA GO!"

"SOMEONE HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

Ralph could only watch from afar as Felix continued to be thrown into the air, the man screaming with each throw. He then looked at the soldiers who were still going on about teddy bears, boy bands, and who's magical froo-froo pony was the best!

"Yeaaaaah, I think I gotta get outta here!" the wrecker said, turning to run but he didn't get too far.

"MISTAH WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALPH!" called a voice from behind. The wrecker knew better than to stop for anything at this point but he made the mistake of doing do, looking right into the crazed eyes of Mouse and Kowalski, both holding up backup and hair supplies.

"Looks like someone is in need for a MAKE OVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEER!"

"OH NO."

"Lalalal! I love my husband! Lalalalala, he wubs me too!" Calhoun said, skipping throughout the entire game with Felix in hand, the man being thrown here and there like some sort of rag doll.

"Its-OW!-for the best! Its-GAH!-for the BEST!" the man shouted, his body hitting something every second.

"Guys! Lemme go!" bellowed Ralph, the poor man tied to a post and slathered in makeup, his hair in tiny pigtails.

"I think PINK and BLUE are such a good color on you, Mistah Walph!" Mouse giggled as she painted the man's huge toes "But ya have SUCH BIG FEETIES! I might use up AAAAAALL my favo-wite colors!"

"Now to apply the BLUSH!" Kowalski chirped, patting Ralph's cheeks gently with a powder puff, Ralph sneezing as the stuff hit his nose.

"An' I thought this was bad when the KIDS did this to me!" the wrecker whined.

"LIPSTICK TIME!" cackled Mouse, her eyes looking in different directions.

"NO TAMMY! DON'T SPIN ME-GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

"But it's so much FUUUUUN!" the woman said, spinning on her heels as fast as she could, Felix screaming once again moments before he was let go and sent FLYING through the air and crashing into a pile of flowers.

"MY DAISIES!" cried a solider.

"My BACK!" replied Felix, curling into a ball.

"OH! CAN WE PLAY WITH MISTAH FE-WIX NOW?!" Kowalski asked, fluttering his eyes.

"NO!" pouted Calhoun "He's MINE! MARRY SOMEONE ELSE IF WANNA PLAY WIT 'EM!"

"Fine then!" huffed Mouse "I'mma marry WALPH!" she said, throwing herself right into Ralph's face, the wrecker's head buried in her chest plate.

"Save me…"

* * *

"Are you SURE that Felix said he had everything under control?" asked Mary, a concerned look on her face.

Gene let out a worried moan as he ran his fingers through his hair "He said he did….but I didn't like what I heard in the background! Something about ponies and rainbows and throwing people or something!"

"Goodness! Who knows what those guys could be doing under the effects of those things!"

"Yes, I know…." Gene said "Buuuut, at the same time, I wouldn't want to go against Felix's wishes. I mean….he DID say he had everything under control…."

"And those things about rainbows and ponies? They couldn't be THAT bad could they?" asked Mary.

The two Nicelandeders looked at each other for a moment or two.

"Yeah, I'm sure they're fine!" Gene said, quickly wrapping his arms around Mary as the two embraced and kissed, falling back onto the floor.

The phone rang again….

And Mary quickly unplugged it.


End file.
